Jim: What have been your biggest challenges?

Shaun: Two main things primarily. I haven't gotten established in a career and have struggled to find decent, steady work. Second, I've wanted to get married but it hasn't happened. That's been my biggest, continual source of frustration ever since I became attracted to girls in the first place.

Jim: So why are you still single?

Shaun: Heh... There are a lot of things which come to mind to say... The reality is, I've known a lot of quality women in my life. I've wanted to be in a relationship and get married all along—I haven't been trying to put it off for any reason. But apparently I just haven't been the right man for any of the women I've known. So while I could say a lot of things, the best way to sum it up is that it just hasn't happened.

Jim: Why do you think that is?

Shaun: Well for one, I'm picky. I'm not necessarily thrilled about that fact but I don't know any way of changing it. It is what it is. The thing is, with being a Christian and having the beliefs about marriage and sex that come from that, I feel like I've only got one shot to get what I want, you know? It's not like I feel like I can settle for someone now and then upgrade in the future. Or like I can mess around and "have fun" for a while and then settle down after that. In a way I feel like it would be easier if I weren't a Christian. I feel like a lot of people mess around when they're younger. They experiment with sex and/or dating the hot girl or guy whom they'd never actually want to marry. So then when they do decide to settle down, they're not looking for someone to be everything—they've already tried a lot of those things I decided they weren't that worthwhile. When they're ready to settle down they're also ready to settle for someone more practical, whom they get along with well and such.

The second thing is I've never had anyone really explain to me what to do with a girl I like. What I got growing up was to respect women and not to have sex or get too physical with your girlfriend before getting married. But for the most part, I feel like getting a girl to like you was just assumed. I'm sure someone probably talked about this along the way, but either it wasn't clear or I didn't get it or I don't know... It just seems to me like there are a lot of assumptions made that I didn't get. I basically had this idea that it would just happen. Like there would be a girl I'd get along with well, she'd like being with me and I'd like being with her, then I'd "ask her out" and we'd be boyfriend and girlfriend, and eventually live happily ever after. But that hasn't happened. I don't know though... I'm not sure if I'm missing something or if the "right" person just hasn't come along yet. I tend to think the former since I don't believe in the theory of "the one".

Jim: So what you're saying is that there haven't been many women who you've been attracted to, and the ones you have been attracted to you haven't known how to express that?

Shaun: More or less. In the past 15 or so years there have been only a handful of girls I had longer term interest in. What I mean is I've had numerous what I call weak/week crushes. I call them this because they typically last only a matter of weeks. There have only been a handful of girls I've been attracted to longer than that.

Jim: And what have you done in these cases? Anything?

Shaun: Oh yes. In the past, say back in high school and closer to that time, I was fairly passive and didn't know what to do other than try to talk to them some. Recently I think I'm getting a better idea of what to do, but I still really don't know. I may be completely missing something that other guys are doing. Sometimes I wonder by the response I get. Anyway, I've tried to get acquainted with them, to see if I actually find them interesting in addition to looking good. So I'll try setting up times to get together. I'll try asking them to go do some activity or another. Sometimes I've just been turned down. Sometimes I've not been in a situation to ever get acquainted in the first place. At other times, I haven't been able to get past the "friend zone" because she doesn't find me attractive.

Jim: Why do you think that is?

Shaun: I've tried to figure this out. It's probably a combination of things: I'm not tall or dark, I'm not particularly charming at least to most people, I'm not particularly buff, I'm not an average person so I don't share the same interests, thought patterns, or views of a lot of people, I'm too old, I don't have good skin, I'm not real outgoing which may be interpreted as not being strong and confident, I haven't had a stable, good paying job, I don't wear armor and ride a horse, etc. I admit, though I think I'm a quality guy, I've gotten the impression recently that I'm just not attractive to women. One of the ladies I liked the most was attracted to me initially, but as she got to know me, respected me more but became less attracted. Another girl I know also respected me but wasn't attracted. In the last approximately eight years, only two girls that I know of who have been attracted to me; one was a "crazy" teenager who was certainly too young, and the other was just crazy—though intelligent.

Jim: You sound frustrated.

Shaun: Definitely. And what makes it worse is I feel like I can't be open about it.

Jim: Why is that?

Shaun: It makes me look bad. Really bad. If you admit to not having a girl when you want one, it's like the same as saying you aren't good enough to get one. I don't know if this is something that comes more from others or from within myself. There are guys out there who suggest if you just ask the girl she'll say yes. They give this impression because they say if you don't have a woman it's because you haven't asked. But that's obviously not true, at least not in many cases.

Then beyond the perceived humiliation from other men, there's the perspective of women. I've heard that women tend to be attracted to a guy who is either already with another woman, or a guy whom another woman is attracted to. They also feel like a guy should be content to be single, and again, if he's not dating it's probably his own fault. "Why doesn't he just ask someone out?" Well, because I get turned down but also I don't ask just every girl out. Doing so looks terribly bad to women as well I believe. This, as well as to claim to want to be in a relationship but not be, are both seen by women as being desperate, which is about the worst possible thing a guy could be from what I understand. I mean, I think it's easier to be a violent, abusive man and have a girl than it is to be considered desperate!

Jim: So you're kind of in a tough spot.

Shaun: Yeah. I often want to be proactive—I'm just ready to go and do something to take a step forward. But so often there isn't anything I can do (at least so far as I am aware). Right now for example, there isn't any available woman I know whom I am attracted to. I've put myself in a lot of social situations so that I meet a lot of people, including eligible women, but I haven't met many who are available and whom I'm attracted to. I feel like I've done all I can, but I still haven't had success. Yeah, it's tough when you're in that spot; when you've done everything you can and still haven't had results, it kind of means it's out of your control. I can't really try harder, because I've already tried. There really isn't anything I can do. I mean, if I don't try, I believe I can prevent success, but I can't guarantee success just by trying. That's what I mean by not being in control.

Jim: So what are you looking for in a woman? Do you have a "list"?

Shaun: Yeah. I've had several versions of a list. Most of my items are more general than the specifics people often have on their lists. In fact, I've been told that my list sums up the general things everyone is looking for. Basically, I'm looking for someone with character (integrity), compatible beliefs, who is intelligent, personally compatible, and whom I find physically attractive; someone whom I "hit it off" with and get along well with, with whom there's "chemistry". There's an intangible factor which is difficult to describe, but I believe people will understand what I'm talking about. Beyond that, the only more specific, unique items are that I want someone who keeps thing relatively neat and clean (because I can't stand messes left around), and someone who is a virgin. I know that last one may be a bit controversial, but that's where I'm at.

On the flip side, I figured it was fair to make a list of what I feel I have to offer. I am a loving, loyal leader. I am a follower of Christ. I'm reasonably pure. I'm creative, passionate, and sensitive. I seek to continually improve myself. I serve and take care of my living environment. I would do whatever I could to make my wife feel loved, special, appreciated, supported and encouraged. I would do whatever I could to make our marriage the strongest and healthiest it could be.

Jim: Wow, good thoughts. So why do you think you are picky? Your list doesn't sound as picky as many I've heard.

Shaun: Yeah, well first of all, since I'm an atypical man, I don't connect well with the average person. So that's one thing. I kind of hate the fact that I feel picky for wanting to marry a virgin. That used to be the normal expectation, but in our culture it's so uncommon that it seems picky. Also, by being a Christian and wanting to be with someone who is a Christian, that rules a lot of people out. Not only that, but a higher percentage of Christian women are married than those whom aren't Christian, so it makes it that much more difficult. Beyond that, I'm picky about what I find physically attractive. I wish this wasn't the case, because I know it shouldn't be that important and shouldn't or doesn't really make that much of a difference in the quality of a relationship. But I don't know any way of changing how I feel about it.

I think the "looks" piece is the biggest factor in attraction. I've been thinking about how there is a difference between desired qualities and attractive qualities. Physical attraction seems to be the biggest part of attraction for me and apparently most men. For me personally, if I find some woman physically attractive but she's not my type in any other way, I'm not interested. (I may be different than many guys in this respect.) On the other hand, if someone has all my desired qualities but I don't find her physically attractive, we'll probably be friends but I won't be interested in a "romantic" relationship. It's frustrating, but that's the truth of the matter.

When someone is in the middle (having some qualities and not others) it gets more interesting. The girl I was most in love with in the past didn't have all my desired qualities (though I didn't realize it when I fell in love with her). It's easy to let go of your desired qualities when you've met someone very attractive, even though those desired qualities may be more important. That's when you want to be able to follow what your brain is telling you rather than just your heart. But that's certainly not easy to do.

Jim: Man... deep thoughts... you've obviously done some thinking about all of this.

Shaun: Heh, yeah, I've had a lot of time to do that, to question why things were the way they were, or are the way the are. Anyway, it's difficult to find someone who matches what I want. It seems that nearly all physically attractive women are either (1) already married or in a serious relationship, (2) lack character, (3) lack intelligence, or (4) are too young.

Jim: So what do you find physically attractive?

Shaun: Man, you ask the hard questions! Are you trying to get me into trouble? Basically there are two main things: a certain body shape and an attractive face. I don't really know how to describe them in more detail than that. I've found women to be attractive with many different traits in other areas, though I tend to like big, brown eyes and long, wavy blond hair the most. It may be worth noting that if a woman looks too much like a model, it's actually a turn off for me. I want someone who looks real—not necessarily average but not looking over done either.

Jim: Any other thoughts on this subject?

Shaun: I've heard a number of people say they are content being single. But I wonder how many people are kidding themselves into thinking that they're okay with it? I don't assume everyone is, but I think it could be a way some people cope with the frustration. On the other hand, I don't want to give the impression that I sit around brooding about this 100% of the time... it's more like 80% (laughs). Really though, it's kind of like living with chronic pain: you're not thinking consciously about it all the time, but it's always there in the background. Unfortunately with this it's unseen and most often unspoken.

I try to get on with my life as best as possible, like I believe most people do. I'm involved in a lot of things, work, church, serving, writing, music, etc... so I'm not just sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I guess it's unfortunate that I feel like I have to say this, but usually when you share about being frustrated about something there are people out there who'll blame you for it and/or say you just need to change your attitude, which is basically the same thing. I just want to try and be honest about it. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels these sorts of things.

1. I believe that we—human beings—are made to be in relationships. The need for love and relationships is a primary, basic human need, right after eating and breathing. (This is how we are created in God's image.) We seem to have the need to share life with one or more people. So, for example, I may know of many people who love me and who would do what they could to help if I had a specific need. That's wonderful, yet I also want someone (or more than one person) to talk about life with, and to participate in activities together on a regular basis.



2. Relationships, especially deep, close relationships, can be life-giving and transformational. We all deeply desire intimate love, closeness and acceptance. We have more need and desire than any one relationship or even all our relationships can satisfy. Good relationships can be healing, uplifting, growing, encouraging, strengthening, etc.



3. There are different types of relationships, some chosen, some not. There are also different levels of relationships. This can range anywhere from antagonistic to cordial to intimate. We need different types of relationships. Among these, I believe that we need relationships with both sexes—males and females.



4. We don't choose the family we're born (or in some cases, adopted) into. We have a limited ability to choose who we work with, who is in our community and who is in our church. We have the most freedom in choosing our friends and, in our culture, spouses.



5. People naturally have different qualities. We think differently, look differently, feel differently, and interact differently. Because of this, we naturally get along better with and are attracted to certain people more than others. There are also different types of attraction, or attraction to different kinds of qualities. For example, you may respect one person because of their knowledge, and enjoy talking with them, while being physically attracted to someone else.



6. Since we have freedom in choosing our friends and spouses, we will naturally choose those for whom we have some kind of preference or attraction. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. We can't have the same type and level of friendship with everyone, as we have limited resources. So we must choose. I would venture to say that a person can only have at most a handful of close, life-sharing relationships at any given time. (Interestingly, the majority of Christ's ministry was about his life-sharing relationships, and he spoke very highly of friendship.)

In the history of Christian spirituality, friendship is a robust love beginning with Jesus? declaration, ?No one has greater love than this, to lay down one?s life for one?s friends? (John 15:13). This simple statement from Jesus is well known; yet it challenges our cultural notions of love and friendship. Jesus doesn?t say romantic love is the greatest love. Yet, romantic love is the ?greater love? for many in our society. In our current world, romantic love, not friendship, and not even marital love, is most celebrated and valued...

In twenty five years in the evangelical community, I always heard about marriage and family life... Friendship, whenever it was alluded to, was a relationship peripheral to God, spouse, family, and church. In the evangelical community, I absorbed the implicit message that romantic love (that is, marriage) was the greatest of all human loves.

My thinking on that began to change as I came across stories of friendship stories from the past. I was shocked to discover a deep spirituality of friendship among Christians from past centuries.

I was fascinated to find the same heartfelt language and union in male-female friendships. I take a deeper look at these stories in my book Sacred Unions, Sacred Passions. Before Freud and his fellow European psychologists eroticized or sexualized yearning, passion, and union, it was possible to discover deep spirituality in friendships stories in every century...

I didn?t come across a mere handful of scattered stories of union and friendship. It was quite clear there were numerous friendship stories flowing from one generation to the next, from one culture to the next culture, from one century to the next century. These findings drove me back to read and reread the Bible...

There was no question the biblical narrative speaks of a distinctive oneness in marriage where God calls Adam and Eve to enter a communion of ?one flesh.? But it became obvious that physical or sexual oneness in marriage is not the only oneness or union the Bible speaks of. Marital or sexual union does not exhaust the richness of oneness in God?s story. Jesus? prayer that we might be one just as he and the Father are one, suggests a rich, deep relational oneness...

In summary, deep friendships for hundreds of years were embraced as powerful, robust expressions of oneness coexisting with another sacred union, marriage...

Secular author Lisa Gee believes ?a soul-mate doesn?t have to be a sex-mate.?

It is tempting on this side of Freud and the sexualization of intimacy, to impose a cut-and-dried interpretation on all passionate friendships of the past as sexual or homoerotic. In our romanticized culture, some of us find it difficult to believe that a soul-mate doesn?t have to be a sex-mate. The romantic ideology in our culture holds those two as synonymous; the greatest and grandest of all human love is when they are in sync...

I think it could be argued that Freud and romantic ideology exalted sexualized friendship over a robust spirituality of friendship. Yearning, desire, affection, passion, deep tenderness and sweetness, and even physical attraction between friends were sexualized and romanticized after Freud so that these were/are healthy expressions only in romantic relationships...

(more)

One of the most shocking things I discovered as I began to research friendship-love for Sacred Unions, Sacred Passions was the depth of physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy in friendships prior to Freud and the romantic myth creation of the couple...

I remember coming across friendship stories in the mid to late 1800s. These friendships between men and women had both physical and emotional intimacy that looked like what we could call romantic intimacy. I remember how shocked I was to read of a married woman's longings noted in her diary for her other married female friend, "I hope for you so much, and feel so eager for you... that the expectation once more to see your face again, makes me feel hot and feverish." Gulp. Whoa!! On top of that, this intimacy between friends was entirely appropriate and acceptable even among evangelical Christians in this period of time! Some of these friendships in contemporary language are known as "Boston marriages." The characteristics of these friendships had what one might say a "romantic" quality and depth to them but they were "asexual" relationships. Physically intimate, yes, but not sexually intimate...

Then I discovered more friendship stories from earlier centuries. Friendships in the post-Apostolic era, in the fourth century and through medieval ages on through the period up until Freud... These stories also involved married men and women. Some stories involved unmarried priests with married women, some with priests and single women, some with priests and married men. But I continued to discover (much to my shock and limited imagination and knowledge) deep bonds of friendships spanning century after century prior to Freud and the romantic myth.

On this side of Freud and our hyperromantic culture, it is a challenge for us to see such emotional depth in friendships and not describe the passion in many of these friendship stories as friends "in love." In fact, Anglican Gary Thorne in a very positive essay on friendship, observes that "Two men or two women can be struck by Cupid's arrow in much the same way as a man and a woman, and have similar experiences of 'falling in love' with one another."

The great number of these stories throughout history prior to Freud compelled me to take another look at contemporary marriage and what I now call as the creation of the romantic myth couple. Evangelical singles know all about the starry-eyed evangelical version of this couple. Many singles are led to believe that yearnings, desire, deep physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy are only appropriate for the mythical romantic couple. These aspects of deep love are only appropriate and good within a romantic path according to typical evangelical protocol. It is impossible for singles to experience deep friendship bonds with a married individual... without any sex for that would be labeled as "emotional adultery." I have no doubt that some of what contributes to many singles' loneliness is the creation of the romantic myth. (Emphasis added)

Is there such a thing as "falling in love" with a "friend" (cross-gender or same gender) without lust?

The immediate and only answer in the romantic myth is no. Most evangelicals follow suit.

However, friendship stories throughout the ages would indicate a positive answer...

Male-female friendships begin in mutual attraction (this is true for all preferential friendships). Attraction may arise through innumerable ways which may or may not include sexual attraction...

Attraction in friendship means you prefer one friend (or friends) in time, desire, sacrifice, commitment, intensity, and caring devotion over others. Attraction in friendship for Protestants throughout most of the twentieth century indicated a selfish concern—friends were only interested in themselves has been the Protestant logic. Because of this, friendship-love (i.e. attraction in our friend for the sake of their company and nothing else—i.e. vocation, marriage, family) has been seen as a particular threat to family. This is one of the reasons why in many circles long-term, deep friendships suddenly take a back seat when their friend gets married. Preferential friendship (not just cross-gender friendship) according to popular Kierkegaardian interpretation, is threatening to marriage...

Hollywood (and even some contemporary Christians) would like to anoint the romantic myth couple (married or unmarried) as the most ultimate one can experience in profound relational love. This simply is not true...

Marriage and friendship are different relationships but deep, wild, life-giving beauty and goodness in a Christian spirituality of friendship are possible and accessible in both relationships...

The kind that will treat you right. The kind that searches for you with all his heart. The kind that respects you and adores you.

Every girl needs a man who won?t cheat on her. One who can be trusted in a room full of beautiful girls. Because he?s smart enough to know that he already has a girl who has everything that he wants, needs and more.

The right guy will never leave you lonely and wondering. You will always know where you stand with him. He will be your best friend and lover. He?ll call you early in the morning just to say good morning or late at night to say good night and maybe even tell you a bedtime story to make you laugh or talk to you until you fall asleep.

This guy will be the kind that?ll do anything for you, even if it?s just to go to the store to buy you your favorite ice cream. He?ll buy you flowers just because it?s a Wednesday and will notice your hair when you?ve gotten it cut or have gotten all gussied up specifically for him.

You deserve a guy who will cherish you. He?d never be afraid to smile to his friends when you?re around and tell them, ?She?s the one?. He?d appreciate you for the things you do for him, even if they?re little? like the little love notes you leave him.

He?ll be chivalrous. He?ll wait for you when you?re falling behind, open doors for you and will walk you to the door to make sure you get in safely. He would defend and fight for you and never bail on you when you needed him most.

The right guy will call you beautiful instead of hot, he?ll kiss your forehead when you?re down and he?ll be the one who will love you for everything you are.

Never settle for anything less

Ok, boys, it?s not that hard.? I?ve lost faith in the male gender.? So what does a girl want?? Not much.? But it seems like the effort is no longer even there.? It?s the small things that matter most:

• Buy her a flower for no reason.? Come on, they?re $3 at [the grocery store].
  
• Call her at work- just to let her know you?re thinking about her.
  
• Surprise her by not letting her know where you?re taking her on your date, and then take her to her favorite places.
  
• Hold her hand when you go for a walk
  
• Make her dinner, turn down the lights, light the candles.
  
• Make her a cd of all the songs that remind you of how you feel about her
  
• Dance with her to soft music by only the light of the candles
  
• Write her a love letter.? Stick it in her purse/briefcase/under the windshield wiper of her car.
  
• Give her a back-rub when she?s had a bad day
  
• If you can, take her on a relaxing weekend getaway-stay in a cabin in the mountains or whatever will be romantic for the two of you.
  
• Her favorite music act is coming to town.? You can?t stand them.? Go anyway.? OR surprise her with a ticket and the fact that her best friend has the seat next to her.
  
• Allow her to be ?just one of the guys? every once in awhile
  
• Kiss her good morning.? Kiss her good night.
  
• If you don?t have the money to take her on a bona-fide date, just spend time with her, cuddle, and listen to music.
  
• Don?t assume she wouldn?t enjoy a good live basketball/baseball/football game.
  
• On that note, take the time to explain the game if she?s attempting to watch it on tv with you.
  
• Don?t forget to remind her you think she?s beautiful, even when she just wakes up and feels like she?s a mess.
  
• Don?t ever stop pursuing and dating.? 10, 15, 50 years down the road, keep a ?date night? just for the two of you.
  
• Vacuuming the house is not ?doing something for her.?? It?s your house too.
  
• Don?t ever lie to her.? Trust is one of the biggest issues for women.

So, you?re a guy.? You?re probably thinking ?what?s in it for me??? First of all, that?s the point- don?t expect anything in return.? However, if you give, I?m bound to believe you?ll begin to get also, if you don?t already.? If nothing else, you?ll have a happy girlfriend/fianc?/wife who knows you care and think about her.? And from the understanding I have of the way we are, all we want is to know that you think about us.? And these are only some of the things that show us that you do.? It?s not all about how much money you spend.? Who?s to say you have to spend any at all?? If you don?t agree with me, that?s fine.? This is just a little advice from a girl? to offer you a little insight into what most of us wish for.

To every guy that cooks dinner for her.
To every guy that regrets hurting her.
To every guy who knows which girl he wants.
To every guy that?s said, ?Sex can wait.?
To every guy that?s said, ?You?re beautiful.?
To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town to see her.
To every guy that gives flowers and a card when she is sick.
To every guy who has given her flowers just because.
To every guy that said he would die for her.
To every guy that really would.
To every guy that did what she wanted to do.
To every guy that cried in front of her.
To every guy that she cried in front of.
To every guy that holds hands with her.
To every guy that kisses her with meaning.
To every guy that hugs her when she?s sad.
To every guy that hugs her for no reason at all.
To every guy who would give their jacket up.
To every guy that calls to make sure she got home safe.
To every guy that would sit and wait for her for hours just to be able to see her for 10 minutes.
To every guy that would give his seat up.
To every guy that just wants to cuddle.
To every guy that reassured her that she was beautiful no matter what.
To every guy who told his secrets to her.
To every guy that tried to show how much he cared through every word and every breath.
To every guy that thought maybe this could be the one.
To every guy that believed in her dreams.
To every guy that would have done anything so she could achieve them.
To every guy that never laughed at her when she told him her dreams.
To every guy that walked her to her car.
To every guy that wasn?t just trying to get laid.
To every guy that actually listened.
To every guy that gave his heart only to have it shoved back in his face.
TO EVERY GUY THAT PRAYS THAT SHE IS HAPPY EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT WITH HER.
This one is for you?

Not all girls appreciate good guys. There aren't many left out there?